[30 Jan 2005|07:35pm] [ mood | sad ] I just got back from a great weekend with Andrew!  But now it has ended and i miss him a lot.  no one understands how i feel including andrew.  i just wish i could find someone like me...or someone that feels some what like me so i dont feel so stupid.  i just get so upset when i leave him or when he leaves me.  like i just feel so empty inside and my heart hurts me soo much.  when i should be happy because i just spent a great weekend with him and im gonna see him again just not for a while. why cant i be a normal person.  im tired of having all these emotional problems.  they get in the way, they make me feel stupid, they make me lose people i love, and they just make me feel like crap.  i cant take it.  like no one knows how hard it is on me.  im different i guess and i feel things different.  i get more upset about things and i cant help that but it makes things a lot harder on me.  i dont need people to tell me that i have problems because i already know that i do. i just love him soo much and he makes me feel so loved..i feel like i can be myself around him and when im with him i dont feel lonely like i do when im not around him.  its just so hard on me...this long distance relationship. i need him here.  i need the person i love so much to be able to be here for me when i need him not just there on the phone...i need someone to hug and kiss me and hold me when im down. i want to spend the rest of my life with andrew but i just dont know if i can do it.  like the loves there..but i cant take the distance..it hurts me..sometimes i just get so upset that i make myself sick and i cant keep doing that.  sometimes i just wish that i would have never met him..i wanted be going through this but then at the same time im really glad i did meet him and i dont know what i would do without him in my life.  people just keep telling me that i have problems and that i just need to find a good friend...yeah thanks for telling me i have problems and its not easy for me to keep good friends..i know that from experience. i dont know...everything is just so hard for me and i just feel like letting everything go.  okay well ill stop talking..im sure everyone loves reading this.  oh and i got in a car accident on friday...5 cars involved.  two cars were really messed up..i didnt hit anyone i just got hit..my car isnt that bad...and no one was hurt.  so yeah..my weekend was pretty good up to now..ill post later...if you dont like readind depressing journal entries then just dont read my stuff 1 comment|post comment

[24 Jan 2005|03:20pm] [ mood | bored ] Well i haven't wrote in here in a while but i think im going to start again. okay well ive decided that i dont like being in the school i am and that i want to change that so i think im gonna go to night school...ive talked to the night school people and i can do that but they dont have the one math class that i need to take so i have to go talk to someone at my school tomorrow and find out what i can do.  but by this time next year ill be done school and i can take college classes second semester which is pretty cool. i am going to miss the few friends that i have in the school a lot but ill still get to see them a lot out of school i hope...and im upset about not being able to go to prom but i think i have that worked out for this year...tina's date and her are going to invite me and andrew so that we can go together..i think thats going to be a lot of fun and i cant wait.  i really need to find something to do with my life...its so boring sitting around and doing nothing. oh yeah and something else thats really cool is that ive been hanging out with my older half brother and his family....well ive only seen him 2 times but im glad that we are talking again and that we are going to start doing things together. i miss my older half brothes and sister. i really like his wife and kids too.  i think i might go stay with them some over the summer so that i can help them out with the kids and stuff.  i cant wait for our relationship to get better...me and him used to be really close when we were younger and then we just stopped talking but now its getting better again and im super happy!  And the eagles won yesterday so thats pretty cool too! alright well ill update later when i have something better to talk about...later post comment

[18 Oct 2004|07:16pm] [ mood | depressed ] wow i havent wrote in this thing in forever. im feeling really weird tonight...i dont even know why.  yeah i know...no one wants to read about my stupid problems but whatever...im just gonna write and you dont have to read.  i feel left out of something but im not being left out of anything...its just this weird feeling..and i miss a lot of people right now.  like i know i have friends and all but right now i feel like i dont really have anyone that i can just go to and tell them things...i used to have someone but not anymore.  and like meghan is coming home next week and tina and sara and her are getting together and i cant cause i have to babysit that night...i really wanted to see her cause i havent seen her in a while and all but whatever.  i dont know whatever...i wont write anymore cause i dont really know how to explain this feeling that i have.   post comment

[04 Aug 2004|09:05pm] [ mood | blah ] so i come home today from being away for a week and my sister tells me that she wishes that i wouldnt have came home...well i wish i didnt come home too...but whatever.  so yeah i had a great week...well except for last night...but thats all good now..i think...but i got to meet a lot of new people and i got to see my friends....i was supposed to come home on friday but that didnt happen..i stayed until today!!!  i love going up there...i feel like each time we hang out that we get closer....im glad that we are best friends even if we live a far distance away...i even got a little better at bowling....fun fun...and i met some really awesome friends of monicas....well the ones that talked to me were awesome..oh and i met a lot of monicas family...they were kinda weird but its cool....alright so yeah...lets just put it this way....i had a lot of fun and wish i didnt have to come home even though i know monica and her family was getting tired of me being there...lol....well thats about all...i dont care what my sister has to say post comment

[26 Jul 2004|06:07pm] fucking awesome.....my parents or i should say my mom doesnt appreciate anything....i hate living here sooo much...i never do anything right.....it sucks to know that you cant please your mom....i dont get her sometimes...i fucking hate it......ugh...what the fuck ever... post comment

[25 Jul 2004|08:38pm] [ mood | curious ] so yeah i havent wrote in here in a while so i thought since i was bored that i would.  so my mom has been pissed off at me and hasnt really talked to me in the past two days...she got mad at me because i came home late when i had to take 4 other people home and two of them wouldnt leave the greasy goat when i told them to so i get in trouble...how stupid is that...oh and then the night before i got home late too because mike wouldnt take me home so i really had no control over that one either...except for i could have called home and told my mom that i was gonna be home late...but big deal...it isnt like someone got hurt or anything...so yeah....but on a different note..i helped someone out today and it made me feel really good....i love helping people..so yeah now im really really bored...theres nothing to do around this freaking house...me and tay are cleaning the entire house so that maybe my mom will let me go to monicas house...i hope it works...ok well im out like a fat kid in dodgeball! love always heather. post comment

[24 May 2004|02:42pm] [ mood | happy ] Ok so I ended up going to the band thing sat. night with some other friends and I had a pretty good time.......... So now to today.........school was okay i guess....got a lot of people to sign my year book and that was pretty cool...but yeah.  So I can't wait for friday to get here!!!!    So yeah...well lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about a certain someone.....this certain someone is always in my head.  And a lot of people don't really understand why I love this certain someone soo much...they say this certain someone is a jerk and I need to stop caring about this certain someone but I don't care what they think...i mean come on....you can close your eyes to things you dont want to see but you cant close your heart to things you dont want to feel....it just doesnt work that way and I dont want to close my heart so why would I even try?  This certain someone is always there for me, never puts me down and whenever this certain someone sees a frown on my face the certain someone can always change it to a smile.  I just hope that this certain someone knows how much I love the certain someone and that this certain someone knows that I dont care what other people think and that i will always have feelings for the certain someone. I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH CERTAIN SOMEONE!!!!!! 1 comment|post comment

[22 May 2004|05:18pm] [ mood | pissed off ] What a fucking wonderful day.  Have you ever woken up and thought that u were going to have the best day ever and then it turns out terrible???  Well thats how my day is.  I wake completely happy with so many fun things planned and nothing works out.  Andrew was gonna try to come down and then he couldnt which wasnt his fault but that made me kinda upset cause i really really wanted to see him and hang out with him, then i was supposed to go to this band thing with a bunch of people but of course that didnt work out and i was gonna babysit but i turned that down cause i was gonna go to the band thing and then one of the people that was coming with me to the band thing took that babysitting job.  Ugh...nothing is working out today.  Other stuff is bothering me too.  I just want to lay down in a ball and cry and stay there til morning.  I think ill go do that. 1 comment|post comment

May 28 [19 May 2004|12:02am] [ mood | cheerful ] Just 10 days away till i get to see you Heather. Ahh i can't wait!! I have been thinking about you nonstop lately. everything i do, i do with you in my mind. I haven't felt this way about someone in a long time, and god i dont ever want it to go away. All day in school, everytime i see another girl, the only thing that comes to mind is wow heather is definitely way prettier than her. I have my prom in just a few weeks, and i wish so bad i could take you, that would be so awesome. Heather i love having you in my life. More importantly, I LOVE YOU!!! i think about you all the time. All i want to do is have you here with me and just hold you in my arms. I miss you so much, its like a 84 on a scale of 1-10. I love you heather, and i hope u have an awesmastic day everyday!! post comment

[15 Apr 2004|08:21pm] I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends to ask you anything. post comment

[13 Apr 2004|06:33pm] [ mood | happy ] ..."as i sit here n ponder the meaning of life, i'm constantly reminded that life is what we make of it, do i choose to take the easy path, or do i stand up for what i believe in? do i accept ideas n concepts b/c it is what everyone else does, or do i walk the untrodden path where i formulate my own ideas different than those of the majority? every person has this choice, to become an individual, not the mindless drones that society n others want. they want me to be a mindless drone who doesn't question beliefs n authority, the person that questions others is seen as an outcast, shunned for his/her heretical beliefs...i say become the outcast!"...we are here to live for ourselves, and i think that has finally sunk in...i'm not here for him...i'm here for myself "REALIZATION IS KEY" :) post comment

[10 Apr 2004|05:33pm] Why live in a world full of joy or grief when your inner wishes hardly ever come true? Why follow this pattern, which will be ones only hope to cling to? Life is mysterious in a lot of ways, I usually tell myself. Certain feelings live amongst us we are not aware of, and when they do show themselves, we have a hard time working with them. Is life supposed to be that hard? Why do we have feelings? I usually ask myself. Why are they there, when all they cause is pain and loss? Hate.... Such a small word but yet so powerful. A word used to show people, you want to hurt them. Something that will make them look in your eyes, and ask Why? Love... Love is yet a small word with a large meaning. Why do people say they love each other, when they cause those people pain at other times? Why do we say we love our mother, who gave birth to us, and nursed us with all her life, and still we go against her? Why do we tell another person I love you and want to marry you, and you are everything I ever wanted, I love you, I love you, and then you divorce? Throw away what you meant was your life? I usually ask myself.. why bother? Its rare people keep up with each other. But I guess its those unique feelings. Love is always there in your heart. And hate is there to reveal how much you actually love that person. I guess you people would wonder what I mean. Thoughts are difficult to follow, and I guess that is why you show them as feelings. When you yell at one you love, its not 'cause you hate this person. And when you are done yelling, try and sit down and seek the truth. I mean.. you've been laughing before with the person you love.. why throw it away, when you can have that special feeling back. Why yell at the person you love, instead of talking about it and find a solution. I don't believe in hate, to be honest. I don't hate my family when I shout at them. I know that from my heart. I guess that is why I love everybody I meet. That feeling is unique, and appreciating comes with understanding.. I just guess its hard to find. But it's there. David post comment

[05 Apr 2004|07:44pm] [ mood | happy ] Awww...I love Kylie soooo much....Tonight when I was teaching her acro she looked at me and was like, "Heather your so pretty".  It made me feel good..even though she's this little girl. post comment

[05 Apr 2004|08:24am] [ mood | bouncy ] Yay!!! Im in school and im cool!!!!!!lol not really. Mike is very slow and sara wants to sleep on the floor. MAN ITS COLD!!!!!!!!I LOVE YOU!!!!! more later...im out like a fat kid in dodgeball!!!!! post comment

[03 Apr 2004|09:59pm] [ mood | cheerful ] So yeah my day was actually pretty good!!!  I got up and went to watch my brothers baseball game and Sara was there and we got talking and decided to go to the movies and out to eat and to this play..maigan came too!!!  We went to see Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind...and let me tell you..it was a AWESOME movie..i def. want to see it again...it was kinda sad though..i cried..but thats okay.  Then we went to TGIFridays and ate....that is me sara and maigan..and when we were there we saw this girl and we thought she was being stood up but the guy came in a really long time after she had been there and she went off on him...i felt so bad for her.  Oh wait I forgot something....as we walked to the resturant we were all connected to each other..like with our hands in each others back pockets and these two guys in a car honked their horn at us..it was great..they were really hot but i think they were gay...lol ok so back to dinner...it was extremely good....then after dinner we went to a play to see our two friends perform...it was called Copacabana..oh man oh man was there ever some hot guys in there....i wish i was the lead girl in the play..she got to make out with all the hot guys..lol....and now im at home...so yeah that was my day!! woo hoo!! post comment

[03 Apr 2004|10:48am] Slipping away Are we sleeping at the wheel and unaware now Has the population put us in a trance now Overtaken by the tide and washed away now What do you say now In a daze Are we moving in the motion of the crowd now Slowly losing everything we were about now Is it time to draw a line in the sand now And take a stand now Somebody talk to me Am I all alone When are we gonna wake up Are we numb Is the feeling gone Tell me what went wrong Are we numb Close your eyes Let the world pass by Now you're hypnotized Are we numb Moving away From the heart of everything we tried to be now Just stop look and tell me what you see now We've been taken like the winds across the sea now We've gotta break free now Mesmerized Desensitized Before my eyes I'm paralyzed Somebody talk to me Am I all alone When are we gonna wake up Are we numb Is the feeling gone Tell me what went wrong Are we numb Close your eyes Let the world pass by Now you're hypnotized Are we numb We're drifting, we're dreaming, we're floating away So many times we just watch pass by The tick tock of life leaving us hypnotized Mesmerized a stun gun leaving you in a daze Better wake up now before you find yourself slipping away All we know Is the feeling numb ARE WE NUMB????? post comment

[02 Apr 2004|02:15pm] "Life isn't about keeping score. It's not about how many people call you and it's not about who you've dated, are dating, or haven't dated at all. It isn't about who you've kissed, what sport you play, or which guy or girl likes you. It's not about your shoes or your hair or the color of your skin or where you live or go to school. In fact, it's not about grades, money, clothes, or colleges that accept you or not. Life isn't about if you have lots of friends, or if you are alone, and it's not about how accepted or unaccepted you are. Life just isn't about that. But life is about who you love and who you hurt. It's about how you feel about yourself. It's about trust, happiness, and compassion. It's about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance, and building confidence. It's about what you say and what you mean. It's about seeing people for who they are and not what they have. Most of all, it is about choosing to use your life to touch someone else's in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise. These choices are what life's about." post comment

[30 Mar 2004|02:13pm] [ mood | crushed ] I thought people that ended a friendship didnt feel anything.  Everyone thats ever ended a friendship with me acted like nothing happened.  So why does it hurt me so much?  Maybe I wasn't meant to end the friendship with him.  I just didn't want to feel the way I did anymore and I wanted him to know that he couldn't do it to me anymore.  But I really wish I wouldn't have sent that letter.  We'd still be friends.  Right now without him in my life I feel just as bad as I did when he was in my life.  I never do anything right.  Why am I so fucking dumb?  Everything just keeps running through my head.....EVERYTHING.  It just won't stop.  There's like no good thoughts in my head and when there is it makes me upset.  Im going crazy.  I just wish someone could erase my memory of everything.  I wish I could just sit down and talk to someone...actually I don't even know if I really want to talk I just want someone to hug me and be there with me.  I don't know what I want anymore.  Im so confused anymore.  Like I feel like I did the right thing but at the same time I don't feel like it was the right thing.  I just sit here and think about the good feelings he made me have when he liked me, or I mean said he liked me.  When he touched me, I felt so good.  He made me feel so good about myself but now I just think about how he didn't mean that at all.  I can't believe that I believed everything he said to me.  But I also sit here and think....If he didn't have any feelings for me why would he take the time to buy me those flowers to make up for what he did?  Like that just confuses me, was that just an act?  He lies to everyone.  And like I sit and read that note he put in those flowers.  Why would he write that if he didn't have any feelings inside for me?  No one will understand what this is all about of what Im trying to say but that's okay.  Im just really confused, I don't understand where everything started to get bad.  I hate this sooo much.  I just wish I could be happy but everytime I try to do something to make me happy it makes me feel worse.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I wish someone could tell me what to do.  Everyone just says these things take time, but I have been going through this for like 2 months and Im not unhappy just because of this whole Andrew thing...its other things too.  Dude, I woke up this morning crying over nothing; I went to school crying and now all I do is think.  This is crazy;  Im crazy.  I seriously would just like to sleep my life away.  And my mom told me this morning that if I came home with anything less then a 'c' on my report card that I would be grounded until the end of the school year.  Then she was like which means you won't see any of your philly friends or anyone else.  I hope my grades are good.  I've been letting everything slip away.  Ugh, I hate myself so much.  If I had it my way I wouldn't be here right now.  Life blows. " It is immensely difficult knowing what you once had can never be the same way again because of one little mistake" post comment

[29 Mar 2004|02:27pm] [ mood | crushed ] Yeah great weekend until i got home.  yeah i dont even know what to write in here...i have so many things running through my head but i just dont feel like typing them out.  I think that im gonna try to stay off the internet as much as possible. but yeah. FUCK YOU!  post comment

[23 Mar 2004|07:00pm] [ mood | embarrassed ] Good news...my brother didn't break his hand it is just a bad sprain.  Today was pretty freakin' boring and pretty long.  School sucks like always.  I thought it was wedenesday today...so like all day i thought i had dance and i thought i only had to go to school 1 more day this week but that isnt true at all..i gotta go to school 2 more days this week..wow this journal entry is pretty freakin' boring..oh yeah at mountain gate me a becca and taylor were playing this game where u say a song title and then say in bed at the end..it was pretty freakin' awesome...then becca called the spanish operator and yeah....ok im done boring u maybe there will be more to talk about later.... wow yes i just made a really stupid error..i told andrew that becca said to the operator that she wanted to eat her vigina but i meant vagina and wow yeah...i knew that..he prolly thinks im soo dumb...lol..oh well post comment

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